


Seen the End, Seen the Light

by elirwen



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Suicide Attempt, Violence, curse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-26
Updated: 2012-12-26
Packaged: 2017-11-22 13:41:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/610427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elirwen/pseuds/elirwen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur’s death has always been Merlin’s biggest fear.</p><p>This is <b>NOT</b> a death!fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seen the End, Seen the Light

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Merlin Holidays](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Merlin+Holidays).



> I promise this is **NOT** a death!fic.
> 
> The title is from “Madness” by Muse.
> 
> warnings: violence, suicide attempt
> 
> Spoilery warnings are in the end notes.

Merlin runs. 

Flames. Heat. Cries of wounded. 

Men charging at him with their swords are nothing but simple obstacles, easily swept from his path with just a thought. 

Two figures standing alone. One tanned and blond, the other pale and dark.

“Arthur!” Merlin yells.

Shock on Arthur’s face, his knees buckling. Blood on Mordred’s blade.

“No!”

Mordred disappears in a swirl of wild wind, a smirk on his face.

Few more steps. He catches his King, cradles him in his arms.

“Merlin,” Arthur breathes out and coughs, blood trickling down his chin. 

He calls for his magic, spell after spell, raw power coursing through Arthur. 

Nothing.

“Merlin,” Arthur whispers and there’s calm acceptance in his eyes.

“No! You need to fight!”

Tears fall down Merlin’s face. He tries again and again, but blood continues spilling, Arthur’s face paling. 

“It’s alright,” Arthur says and his eyes close, his heart stops.

“No!” Merlin roars.

He pushes all his power into Arthur’s lifeless body. Again and again and again. 

“No,” he whimpers, clutching the still body to his chest. 

He failed.

~x~

“Merlin! Merlin, wake up!”

“No!” Merlin cries out and a surge of pure power erupts from him. 

Arthur gasps as it rushes through him. The small aches from the day’s training disappear and he suddenly feels younger, full of strength. 

More power seeps through his skin as Merlin continues crying in his sleep and Arthur tries to shake him awake.

“No!” a broken whimper escapes Merlin’s lips and he’s shaking with the force of his sobs.

Arthur doesn’t hesitate and pulls him into a hug.

“No, please, let me say goodbye,” Merlin pleads, fighting Arthur’s hold.

“You need to wake up,” Arthur says, but Merlin doesn’t hear.

“I let him die. It was my fault.”

Merlin’s eyes are open, but there’s no recognition. 

“Arthur’s dead because of me.”

“I’m not dead,” Arthur says, running a hand through Merlin’s hair in a soothing gesture.

“I couldn’t save him,” Merlin whispers.

“Merlin, please, look at me!” 

“It’s my fault.”

Arthur tilts Merlin’s face up and places a kiss on his forehead, then another on his lips.

“You’re alive,” Merlin whispers, his hand coming to rest on Arthur’s chest.

“Just a nightmare,” Arthur says, petting Merlin’s back.

“It felt so real,” Merlin says, his breath hitching and more tears welling in his eyes.

“It always does,” Arthur says and shifts them into a more comfortable position.

They stay like that for a while, Merlin’s hand wrapped around Arthur’s wrist, his fingers resting over Arthur’s pulse point.

“I’m so tired,” Merlin says, pressing himself closer to Arthur.

“I know, love,” Arthur says.

~x~

_3 days ago_

“It’s all your doing! You encouraged him to study magic, to not be ashamed of who he was! And now he’s dead!” the woman yells at him.

He knows her. She’s Nathan’s mother. A group of magic haters killed him. With Merlin’s help, most of them have already been caught and are waiting for their trial, but it won’t bring Nathan back.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin says, knowing that no words can ease her pain.

“It’s too late to be sorry,” the woman snaps and her eyes glow amber for a fraction of a second.

Merlin feels something settle over him, but he can’t trace it, doesn’t know what she did to him. It seems she doesn’t even know she used magic.

“If you are ever in need of anything…” Merlin starts, but the woman leaves the room before he can finish the sentence.

~x~

He wakes. His head hurt. There are shards around him. Vase, maybe? But where’s the flask?

Shattered. Liquid dripping down the stairs. He mops up as much as he can. 

It takes forever to get to Arthur’s chambers.

Guards are useless against the troll. Jonas stabs Uther in the back. It’s chaos, but Merlin doesn’t care.

He lands on his knees next to Arthur, squeezing the liquid from his neckerchief into Arthur’s mouth.

Arthur’s lips are slightly parted, the liquid slips inside.

Merlin waits.

And waits.

He magically forces rest of the potion out of the fabric.

Arthur doesn’t move, doesn’t breathe, colour doesn’t return to his face.

Arthur’s dead.

Arthur’s alive and looming over him.

“Bad dream?” he asks, linking their fingers together.

“The worst.”

~x~

Merlin doesn’t sleep for the rest of the night.

~x~

“Listen to me, clotpole. I don’t care if you die. There are plenty of other princes. You’re not the only pompous, supercilious, condescending, royal imbecile I could work for. World is full of them. But I’m gonna give you one more chance.”

He lays his palm over the injury and concentrates. He reaches deeper inside himself, drawing out the raw magic.

No change.

Tears drip into the water as he washes Arthur’s blood off his hands. His quiet sobs are loud in the calm of the woods. 

He lies next to Arthur, talks to him, caresses his cheek. He tries more magic, unsuccessful. He shifts even closer, his lips almost touching Arthur’s. 

Their breaths mingle together and it’s reassuring.

And then Arthur doesn’t breathe in.

Pain blooms in Merlin’s back and head and he’s staring at the ceiling of their chambers, overturned stool right next to him and an open book on the table.

~x~

Merlin doesn’t sleep that night either.

~x~

“Will you give yourself to the spirits to save your prince?”

“It is my destiny.”

“Your time among men is not yet over, Emrys, even if you want it to be.”

Merlin looks towards the tear in the veil. Arthur turns for a brief moment, a small sad smile on his lips, before he takes the final step and the gate closes behind him.

“No!” Merlin shouts.

His knees buckle under him.

“It should have been me,” he whispers.

Gwaine wraps his arms around him, but Merlin is falling apart and nothing can stop that.

Gwaine is talking, but he isn’t listening.

And then it’s not Gwaine’s voice anymore and he’s not held by him either. He’s cradled in Arthur’s comforting embrace.

~x~

Arthur is livid. He’s had enough of Merlin’s “I’m fine” and “nothing to worry about”. He’s been pretending not noticing the dark circles under Merlin’s eyes. He knew Merlin left the bed shortly after he thought Arthur was deeply asleep, coming back in the morning. He heard the rustling of the paper as Merlin searched through his books. He’s been giving Merlin his space to settle whatever was bothering him.

But this is too much. Watching him fall asleep leaning on the wall was adorable at first, and Arthur thought it was better than nothing, but the distress on Merlin’s face right before he fell to his knees and holding Merlin’s shaking form in his arms was breaking his heart.

“What’s happening?” Arthur asks. 

They’re back in their chambers. Merlin is restless, walking around the room, straightening things, cleaning. He hasn’t been Arthur’s manservant for over a year now.

“Merlin,” Arthur says, trying to get his attention.

“I’ve seen you die three times in past three days,” he says and lets out a shuddering breath.

“I’m not dead,” Arthur says, hugging Merlin from behind.

“I know. But it felt so real,” Merlin says and leans into Arthur’s embrace. 

“What caused it?”

“I don’t know,” Merlin says, but there is something in his voice that makes Arthur think that Merlin isn’t telling him everything.

“Did you talk to Gaius?”

“No.”

“Then that’s where we’re going.”

~x~

Gaius checks Merlin over, ruling out the possibility of an illness causing the nightmares.

“Could magic be involved?” Arthur asks and Merlin sighs beside him.

Gaius only raises his eyebrow and waits for Merlin to talk.

“There was a woman,” he says eventually. “I think she didn’t even know she did magic. I doubt she knows she can. And I have no idea what she did.”

“It could have been something she said,” Gaius says.

“She was angry. She blames me for her son’s death.”

“Nathan,” Arthur says and of course the prat would know.

“Don’t punish her. She didn’t mean to do that,” Merlin says, shifting closer to Arthur. 

“And how do you know that?” Arthur asks, pulling Merlin rest of the way to his side.

“Please, just trust me on this,” Merlin says and fails to suppress a yawn.

He’s grateful Arthur respects his wish. 

“It’s most likely that you are cursed,” Gaius says. “But if we don’t know the curse, we don’t know how to break it.”

“Then we must search for a solution,” Merlin says with another yawn.

“Maybe you could give him a sleeping potion. Something that would lead him into a dreamless sleep,” Arthur says. 

Merlin lays his head on Arthur’s shoulder. Everything seems to be in a haze.

“We don’t know how the curse works. He could be dreaming all the time without us knowing. A minute of sleep can feel like hours when dreaming.” 

Merlin shudders at the thought.

“But he needs to sleep,” Arthur says.

Merlin doesn’t hear more as he drifts off.

~x~ 

He wakes up on the floor in Arthur’s chambers.

“Arthur?” he calls, not remembering how he got there.

No answer.

He looks around and sees Arthur just a few feet away, covered in blood, an arrow in his chest, his eyes blindly staring at the ceiling.

~x~

Arthur carries him to their chambers. He tries to distract him, to keep him awake, but Merlin can’t even enjoy it. He’s asleep before Arthur manages to get him out of his clothes.

~x~

Merlin arrives just in time to see Uther stab Arthur in the heart with a dagger.

He roars and tosses Uther through the door.

Arthur looks like he’s sleeping. If only Merlin could kiss him awake.

~x~

_Present time_

Merlin clings to the consciousness with all he has. Arthur can see the desperation in his eyes. It takes almost an hour before he succumbs to sleep once more. 

Arthur watches over him and waits for the inevitable.

Merlin begins to stir. It’s nothing like before. There’s no talking, no sudden movements.

Arthur starts waking him up when first tear slips down his cheek. There’s no reaction to talking, none to shaking, even slap isn’t working.

Arthur is beyond worried.

Tears are streaming down Merlin’s face now and he’s terrifyingly still.

Arthur runs to the door and out into the corridor and sends the first guard he finds to get Gaius.

~x~

It’s dark and cold.

Merlin stumbles over the uneven ground of the battlefield. 

It’s eerily quiet. 

He can see Mordred now. His sword is drawn, its tip resting on Arthur’s throat.

He spots Excalibur and calls it to his hand. It’s his destiny to protect his king, his love, his everything.

It’s easy to push the blade through Mordred’s body.

Arthur stands up and foreign smile spreads over his face. Merlin blinks and it’s no longer Arthur standing in front of him. With next blink Mordred is gone.

Arthur is gasping Merlin’s name right next to his ear. He is sagging into Merlin’s embrace, into the arms of his own murderer. Merlin’s magic is the only thing keeping them upright.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin says and it’s such a useless thing to say.

“Don’t blame yourself,” Arthur whispers, coughing up blood.

Merlin knows that pulling the sword out would mean a quicker death for Arthur, less suffering.

“I love you,” Arthur croaks.

His face is turned towards Merlin, his eyes wide open. Arthur wants him to be the last thing he sees.

“I love you,” Merlin says and kisses him.

He pulls the sword out and throws it aside, guiding them to the ground. Arthur is gasping for air, but his eyes never leave Merlin’s face.

Merlin’s magic is useless against the power of Excalibur.

“I love…”

Arthur never finishes the sentence.

He lies down with Arthur still in his arms and lets the tears flow.

Merlin wants Arthur to be the last thing he sees in his life.

~x~

“There might be a way,” Gaius says. “You might be able to help him.”

“How, Gaius? Just tell me!”

“If I’m right, Merlin needs to realize he’s dreaming while he’s still dreaming. There is a potion that will send you to sleep which, combined with a spell, should let you share Merlin’s dream.”

“Do you have this potion?”

“I can have it ready in an hour.”

“Good,” Arthur says and takes Merlin’s hand in his. 

It’s wet. Arthur turns it to see blood oozing from a cut on Merlin’s wrist.

“Gaius,” he cries out. “He’s bleeding.”

Arthur checks the other wrist and finds a similar wound.

Gaius does the best he can, bandaging the wrists with utmost care, and leaves to prepare the potion.

Arthur curls around Merlin on the bed. 

“Please, don’t leave me,” he whispers.

~x~

Each minute of waiting feels like hours. Merlin’s steady breathing is what keeps him sane. He talks to him about anything that crosses his mind. He’s scared of never hearing Merlin’s voice again, of never seeing him smile.

He drinks Gaius’s potion without hesitation and lies back down to Merlin’s side.

~x~

The dagger falls from Merlin’s fingers. He feels numb. He doesn’t look at his bloodied wrists just lays back down next to Arthur. 

He waits for the death to take him.

It hurts. Not his physical wounds, he almost doesn’t feel them, the loss makes it hard to breathe. He feels empty, cold, dead already.

“Please, please, just make it stop,” he begs. “Let me follow him.”

No one answers.

~x~

Arthur’s hand is cold now. Merlin feels dizzy and exhausted.

“Merlin,” a familiar voice sounds from behind.

‘That’s it then,’ Merlin thinks with a tired smile and waits for it to be over.

He doesn’t expect to be pulled from Arthur into someone’s arms. He fights with the little strength he has left until the man speaks.

“Merlin, please.”

“It’s really over,” Merlin whispers and smiles again, his eyes closing.

“Don’t you dare,” the hallucination says and slaps Merlin’s cheek.

The sting of it is surprising.

“What happened here isn’t real,” he continues and Merlin nods absentmindedly.

“Is it good on the other side?” Merlin asks.

“Merlin, listen to me. This is all just a dream. You’re cursed, remember?”

“You’re warm. Will you stay until the end?”

“I won’t let you die,” the hallucination yells.

“How am I supposed to live without you?” Merlin asks.

“Please, I love you. Just listen to me. Trust me.”

His voice is soft now, intimate. He sounds so much like his Arthur when they were alone. He nods because he wants to hear more of the voice.

“Gaius gave me a potion that sent me here, to talk to you and help you, maybe even break the curse. You are sleeping. This is all just a nightmare. You and I are real, nothing else is.”

It sounds familiar.

“You dreamt about me stepping into the spirit world to close the veil. About the arrow wound that killed me.”

“Uther stabbed you through your heart,” Merlin says and it all comes back. “You’re not dead.”

Arthur smiles at him.

Merlin looks at where the dead body should be, but there’s nothing there. Their surroundings are fading until there’s nothing but white.

~x~

“Arthur,” Merlin sighs and his body automatically seeks Arthur’s.

He buries his face in the crook of Arthur’s neck. He feels lighter somehow, as if someone took a huge weight off his shoulders.

“I think we broke the curse,” he says and Arthur kisses him. 

He wants to tangle his fingers in Arthur’s hair and never stop kissing, but when he moves his hand to do just that, sharp pain in his wrist makes him yelp.

“Don’t you dare do something like that ever again,” Arthur says. “No matter what happens to me.”

Arthur’s hand slips under Merlin’s shirt, settling on his lower back.

“Promise me,” Arthur murmurs into skin of Merlin’s neck and slips his thigh between Merlin’s, rubbing it against Merlin’s groin. 

“I promise,” Merlin breathes out and lets his thighs fall open as Arthur rolls on top of him.

He’s not sure what he’s promising, his mind woozy from terror, relief and need, but he’d promise anything to banish the desperation from Arthur’s voice, to never have to leave their bubble of love and warmth.

A cough comes from behind. They both tense and Arthur puts some distance between their bodies, but his hand never leaves Merlin’s skin, merely shifts to rest on Merlin’s stomach.

Gaius is watching them with somewhat amused expression and Merlin blushes and tries to pull the blanket higher, only to be once again stopped by a twinge of pain.

Arthur is moving them around again, pulling Merlin up to sit leaning against the headboard. Merlin stares at his bandaged wrists, trying to remember when and how he got injured. 

“I need to change your bandages,” Gaius says and starts with the one around Merlin’s left wrist.

When he sees the wound, he finally understands. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, a memory of the blade slicing through his flesh is replaying behind his eyelids. 

All the nightmares of Arthur’s death and in the end it’s him who could have died.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

Arthur won’t talk about how he feels, but it’s all in his eyes, unguarded in the privacy of their chambers. Fear and pain, relief and love, bone-deep tiredness.

“I promise,” Merlin says, and he means it.

~x~

Arthur is the first to fall asleep.

Merlin can’t move in Arthur’s tight embrace, but he doesn’t mind. He’s never felt safer.

He presses a kiss to Arthur’s shoulder and closes his eyes.

~x~

They meet in the land of dreams again.

They trade kisses, run barefoot on the soft mossy ground of a sunlit forest glade, bathe in the warmth of endless summer.

No more nightmares.

**Author's Note:**

> spoilery warnings: dreams of major character death


End file.
